Monday, February 21, 2005

In the Beginning...

It is written that on September 11, in the Year of Our Leader 2001, great tragedy befell the Homeland, and lo, the PNAC's vision of a defining event such as Pearl Harbor was realized. And verily, Maximum Leader spake unto his minions, "Find the connection to the evildoer Saddam." When the minions prevailed upon Maximum Leader that Saddam had no part in the bringing of the Day That Everything Changed, he was displeased.

"Redo your work," Maximum Leader implored.

And yea, though they strove to complete the connection, alas, there was none. Yet that bothered not the Leader and his warlords. "We shall fulfill the vision," decreed the Leader. "The prophecy of PNAC has been borne by fire and death and photo ops. And so shall Halliburton bear the fruit of the evildoer's misdeeds."

Still, darkness reigned over the land, and yea, the "unwashed" caste petitioned their Leader for Old Testament blood vengeance. "An eye!" the mob screamed in one resolute voice. "Justice and Osama's head on a stick!" Yet the leader would not be swayed from his intentions.

And so the Minister of State came to prevail upon his king: "Sire, we need a warmup act. Does the NFL do battle without a preseason? Do the Rolling Stones take the stage before REO Speedwagon? I implore of you sire - we must dress the window with the scalp of the Taliban and Osama for the sake of the state and the ruse."

It came to pass that the Great PNAC War was launched in a far away land called "Afghanistan". The terrain was rugged, yet the local warlords were willing to sit at Maximum Leader's table while gifts and promises were exchanged. "We shall empower you," assured the Leader's minions. "Freedom shall be on the march." The Afghan warlords acknowledged each other with a wink and a nod, while secretly bidding their minions to work the cell phones and check the price on opium futures.

Lo, the Battle of the 25 Square Kilometers of Kabul was joined. Taliban leaders were rousted from their beds in the center of Kabul, and relocated 50 kilometers down the road. Maximum Leader received reports of the movement with great joy, and bade his scribes to proclaim victory throughout the land. "But, sire," protested the scribes, "Osama still lives."

"HERESY," screamed Maximum Leader. "I don't worry about Osama!"

Suitably cowed, the scribes withdrew and trumpeted the great victory...

UN: Afghanistan Could Become Terror Haven